The End of the “Ons:” Some Music, Maestro, Please!

 

Although I place a high value on feelings like compassion and gratitude, I think its gotten far too serious over here. I’ve had two days of not writing about food on my cooking blog, and a protracted period of not writing about anything vaguely amusing on my “fun” blog. Believe you me; I have enough serious thoughts, worries, neuroses and borderline psychoses to fill many pages, but today I want something light. Capricious. How often does a 45-year-old woman who doesn’t work in Vegas, on Broadway or in a kindergarten classroom get to be “capricious?”

I’ve been thinking about music lately, mostly in terms of its power to evoke memories and emotions. I was a musician for many years, so there are numerous classical works that bring specific times and situations to the surface of my consciousness. Because I have lived my entire life surrounded by popular music on radios, vinyl, CDs, MP3s and television, there is also a vast quantity of “popular” music that can instantly transport me to a 7th grade dance (“My Eyes Adored You”), riding the subway with my Walkman (They Might be Giants and REM), or my years of working retail (Mariah Carey singing Christmas carols).

I like many, many songs that are probably considered vacuous by others, including “My Sharona,” and “Black Betty,” but there are also songs that I. just. hate.. There are actually entire bands whose entire output could disappear with no effect on my life: The Eagles come to mind. Here, in no particular order, is a list of songs I hate. I notice that many of them are from the 70s, and many involve animals. If you love them, remember that there is no accounting for taste. If you hate them, give me the cyberspace knuckle bump and consider us soul mates.

1. “Muskrat Love” by The Captain and Tenille. They were so damned cute, and I love “Love Will Keep Us Together,” but this song is creepy and it just doesn’t make any sense. Why not moles or possums?
2. “A Horse with No Name” by America. I know lots of people like this, but I find it dull and pretentious. Symbolism should be subtle.
3. “Afternoon Delight” by The Starland Vocal Band. Okay, so we were in 8th grade, singing along to this song about people having sex in the afternoon? Eeeeeew.
4. “You Don’t Bring Me Flowers” by Barbra Streisand and Neil Diamond. So leave, already.
5. “Angel of the Morning” by Juice Newton. I don’t get it.
6. “Let ‘Em In” by Paul McCartney & Wings. This man wrote and sang some of my favorite songs in the history of music; I guess anyone can have a bad day.
7. “Baby I’m a Want You” by Bread. Perhaps he needs her to give him some instruction in grammar.
8. “Precious and Few” by Climax. Why?! Is she far away? Married? In quarantine?
   
9. “Delta Dawn” by Helen Reddy. Another case of “great artist, unfortunate song.” (I do kind of like the Tanya Tucker version, for some reason). This kind of maudlin, Miss Havesham theme seems to have been very popular around this time. (“Drusilla Penny,” “Eleanor Rigby,” et al).
   
10. “Touch Me in the Morning” by Diana Ross. Amazing, amazing voice, but again, who are we kidding. “Touch me in the morning/then just walk away” and its fine with her? See #5,above.
11. “Wildfire” by Michael Murphy. See #2, above.
    
12. “Reunited” by Peaches & Herb.
    
13. “You Light Up My Life” by Debby Boone.I will readily admit that this is a song that appeals to the weepy, crush-prone soul of an adolescent girl. Apparently, though, the song was about God not Robbie Benson. I personally think God prefers it sung by Patti Smith (seriously). I know I do.
14. “Sometimes When We Touch” by Dan Hill. This has a kind of creepy, intense, unhealthy relationship vibe. Is he saying that he loves her, or that he doesn’t? Don’t they ever just read the paper and eat bagels?
15. “Midnight at the Oasis” by Maria Muldaur. I don’t get it. Its basically “Afternoon Delight” in the desert.
16. “Loving You” by Minnie Ripperton. Beautiful voice, but then she, well, she screams and keeps on singing like nothing happened. Wierd.

I will admit that I originally had “Brand New Key” by Melanie on my list because I remember thinking it was dumb and annoying, but when I listened to it again, I found it kind of charming and funky.